Why I can't forgive people who smell

Sorry. But unless you get down to Tesco quick sharp and buy some Sure, I can't associate with you.

I'd like to start off by saying this is not a discriminatory post against people who have a genuine problem. Uncontrollable glands or whatever. If there's nothing you can do about the fact that you sweat a lot, then I feel sorry for you - it's not your fault. It must be really embarrassing to have a problem like that and I'm certainly not holding it against you.

What I am talking about is the pong that hits me, very often on public transport, sometimes in a supermarket or even in a club. The smell fills my nostril and I immediately grimace, whirling round to glare at you. Thanks for just ruining my day!

Smells are very important to me, and I'm sure they are to a lot of people. They can hold and trigger so many powerful memories, and they have a powerful hold on our consciousness. I might not remember every guy's name, but take me to Boots and I'll give you a chronology of my love life from the age of 14 at the aftershave counter.

If I smell Angel by Thierry Mugler, it reminds me of when I was 14, just starting out, blossoming (some would say) into yet another teenage girl in love.

If I smell pipe tobacco and spaghetti bolognese, it smells of home. In fact, anything with garlic (my mum cooks a lot of Italian food) reminds me of security and childhood.

Hairspray takes me back to the hundreds of dance competitions and shows I took part in when I was growing up. Coffee and kebabs make me think of uni - messy nights out and hungovers I luxuriated in the morning after.

But STALE BODY ODOUR? I'm in hell.

I'm furious at anyone who offends my olfactory senses. I take it personally to the core. I make the effort every day to allow ten minutes for a shower (and one at night if I've been working out or dancing). Everyone else should. I have a wash basket. I fill it with clothes. When it's full, I put it in the washing machine with lashings of lavender fabric softener. And the whole thing starts again. But it's something you have to do regularly.

Some people in this world seem to think that washing at birthdays and Christmas is enough. And again, I'm not persecuting those who genuinely have problems getting to a wash basin (the homeless, for example).

But people who have a roof over their heads and access to clean running water have no excuse. A bar of soap costs very little, recession or not. Even if you have to stand there shivering while you strip wash, by God do it! Don't think you'll skip till next week - or longer.

Because it stinks. Quite literally. We're all human. Everyone sweats. I sweat very easily, and often have sweaty palms whether I'm nervous or not (I'm hoping to pass this off as a rather charming idiosyncrasy). If you've just had a coffee, cigarette or eaten something a bit whiffy then of course, there will be evidence in the way you smell.

I'm not saying let's be obsessive about it. A few germs and bacteria (within reason) never did anyone any harm. I am determined not to be one of those mums when I have kids that doesn't let them play in the soil and swallow the occasional mouthful. My mum let us and we're (arguably) OK. But that's not really what I'm talking about.

If you're an adult and you start the day clean, but then sweat a little, carry some deodrant in your bag. Quick spritz during the day, then clothes go in the wash at home.

But judging by some of the delightful wafts I've been getting the last few weeks, a lot of people don't think like that. They seem to leave their clothes for weeks, months on end - and washing their bodies is also kept to a minimum.

WHY???

I've been sweaty in my life. Who hasn't? But after a few hours of feeling like that, I can't wait to get in the shower and get rid of a day's dirt and grime. We've all worked with the Office Stink Bomb. No-one wants to sit with them or talk to them, and you wonder how the hell they hold down a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. UGH!

If the person I am describing is you, get down to the shops. They've got some ridiculously cheap offers on shower gel and deodrant. Then maybe we can talk.